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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29206323">smile.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaineShade/pseuds/KaineShade'>KaineShade</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All For The Game - Nora Sakavic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Andrew and Neil are married and learn to be happy, Andrew wants to be happy and smile, Discussion on Happiness, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fight me Nora, Honestly this fic is so cheesy after reading it the second time, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, be prepared for that, posted this from tumblr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:41:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,796</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29206323</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaineShade/pseuds/KaineShade</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Andrew sees the Foxes and Neil being happy while celebrating Neil's 32nd birthday. He wonders if he can smile like them, while pondering the concept of his own happiness.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>81</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>smile.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><div class="">
  <p>Andrew Minyard watches as the Foxes gather around his husband Neil Josten at the living room of their house in Columbia, South Carolina. They moved here the year after Neil retired his pro-althete career. Andrew retired his the year before Neil's retirement.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Today is his husband's 32nd birthday as Neil Josten on March 31st. The original Foxes, and his friend Robin Cross, wanted to come here and celebrate.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Right now, they decided to gather around Neil for group conversations, while their kids play outside in their backyard. He isn't paying attention to their mindless conversations as he observes them blankly. How their lives are going, their kids, their marriage, and their vacation trips. All he's paying attention is the happy laughter and chatter by the Foxes that softens his husband's face. How his blue, bright eyes shines, his relaxed posture, and, more importantly, his genuine smile.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It feels like yesterday back when he and Neil first met at Milport, Arizona. He vividly remembers the first few days since he met him—black dyed hair, brown eyed contacts, and worn-out clothing. He was the skittish runaway who was a liar head to foot, running from his mobster boss of a father and his people, and carried an annoying obsession with Kevin, Riko and Exy. Looking at him now, he's the complete opposite. Ever since Andrew told Neil to stay, he became a real person with a real identity to call. Free of lies, enjoyed a pro-althete career, and now living a peaceful life with their cats and him. As every year passes by, Neil becomes more happy and relaxed, but he's not the only one with contentment.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Andrew's eyes roam to his twin brother Aaron and his wife, Katelyn Anderson. They are sparing soft glances to eachother while listening into the Foxes' conversations; their hands intertwined. They live in Chicago with their pug named Popo as both doctor and pediatrician. They just gave birth to a boy named Will Minyard, which Katelyn is holding. Back then, Andrew used to forbid Aaron to be with people like Katelyn, after he made him hold a deal with him. Ridiculous how it was. He made that deal believing he would protect Aaron, but he came to understand that he doesn't need a deal to protect him. After a series of rough therapy sessions, the exhausting court trial, and the long-distance created after graduation, Andrew and Aaron learned to talk to each other once in awhile. An attempt to make up the years they could've had when they were young. Andrew still doesn't like Katelyn, but he understands that she is Aaron's anchor and light. It makes Andrew envious sometimes, but he learned to let that go years ago. Aaron is secure and stable, away from using drugs and moved on from Tilda's death—that's what matters to Andrew now.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Andrew looks at Nicky and his husband Erik, then to Dan and her husband Matt, and so on around the Foxes. They all look so...happy and joyful around each other—like close family. Younger him would want to vomit, or leave the room for his own quietness. The term 'family' was nothing but a wishful dream Andrew could never have. The word reminded him nothing but empty promises, abandonment, and lies. What he has right in front of him, they are people he is willing protect with his life, not just his traditional lot, but all of the Foxes. Still staring at their jovial conversations, the way their faces are relaxed and the way they smile, Andrew wonders if he could be like that too...</p>
  <p>
    <strong>...</strong>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Andrew's eyelids slowly open to reveal Neil's sleeping face. Their ringed hands are intertwined while they were sleeping. It's still dark out. He keeps their hands together while he lifts himself up by his elbow. The alarm says it's 5:43AM—seventeen minutes before he needs to leave for work. He lays himself back to bed to study at Neil's face for a few minutes. He can see the remains of Neil's faint facial scars, and his red-head hair ruffled over his face. He takes a moment to appreciate such tranquility, before he gently kisses him briefly and then leave the bed. Neil softly smiles and moans happily in response.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Andrew leaves the bedroom towards the bathroom. He is about to brush his teeth, but instead he stares at himself in the mirror. He remembers last weekend of the Foxes coming into their house to celebrate Neil's birthday—their joyful faces and relaxed smiles. Andrew remembers the last time he smiled like that.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He was only two years old when he was happily babbling and laughing at a cartoon show. He enjoyed the ridiculous, childish humor back then, before his foster brothers pushed him off the couch and changed the channel to a more violent show. He cried and cried in tears, but his supposed-brothers only yelled at him to shut up. As the years go in his life in foster care, it only spiriled downhill. They were years of screams and bruises, years of being touched unjustly, years of empty promises and lies, years of cutting himself again and again and again to remember he was even feeling. That was when Andrew knew he could never be happy, and only learned to take care of himself. He remembered the last time he actually did smile. He was only medicated and drugged that became only a fascade to hide his true feelings—apathy and depression. It was meant to make him less murderous by the court, after almost beating up four guys to death for harassing Nicky, but it only made him maniacal and unstable.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Those years of endless pain and suffering from his childhood and early adulthood are impossible to take back, however. For recent years, he had been talking to his psychiatrist Bee to understand himself more and his feelings. For once, he wanted to be better, now that he is living in a married life with Neil.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He continues to stare at himself at the mirror. He remembers Aaron and Katelyn giving each other content glances, Nicky's state of peace with Erik, Dan and Matt's laughs toward each other, the bond Kevin and Thea share, the prideful face of Allison, Renee's relaxed smile, Robin's joy, and, finally, Neil's happy smile. He once asked himself if he could smile like that again. He is no longer in pain or in suffering.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>His facial muscles lost the ability to smile on his own long ago. So, he raises his hands towards his face. He has his index fingers touch each corners of his mouth, and pushes them up to create a smile. Andrew stares at himself for results.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>This smile wasn't a result of natural contentment or happiness. It was only artificial and fake—just like his medicated smile. Suddenly, it hit him. Andrew wants to smile for real, he wants to be happy for real. He keeps telling himself he's no longer in pain and suffering. He has family. He has friends. He has the cats. And, he has Neil—the man who gave him promises nobody gave him. His fingers shake as he realizes he can never feel. He wants to cry, but also realizes he forgot to. He indulges in despair on how much happiness he missed out on when all the emotions he knew and felt were depression, anger, and apathy. He wishes things were different, he wishes if he could have a second chance, he wishes he could-</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Andrew?" A voice called.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He didn't have to turn his head to see it's Neil by the bathroom doorway. He takes his hands off his face and lets them drop to his sides.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Andrew..." Neil's voice turned to concern as he walks to him closer. He raises his hand near Andrew's face as permission to touch him. Andrew nods, allowing Neil to caress his face.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Hey, do want to tell me what's wrong?" Neil asked gently. "Why you were making yourself smile?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Andrew looked away, half-heartedly hiding his despondency with his usual impassive expression. "Feeling."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Neil only gives him a look that demanded more information. Andrew may as well should give him the full truth.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I want to smile." Andrew confessed. "Just like you and the others back during your birthday celebration." Andrew pauses before continuing. He still needs to get used to sharing his feelings. He leans towards Neil's hand while still looking away. "But I can't. I wish...I wish I could be happy like that again..."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It is the first time Andrew feels deep emotional pain since a long time. Neil's face didn't pity him that made him feel pathetic. Instead, he understands him.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"What are you talking about?" Neil begins to smile gently at him. "You're already happy."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Andrew looks at him in disbelief. "But I want to be happy. For real."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The only response he earns is Neil giggling. He wants to glare at him but it's tough how this makes his heart skip. "Smiling isn't the same as being happy."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Then how can you can smile while you're happy?" Andrew shot back.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Because that is my way of showing happiness." Neil responded. Andrew still couldn't understand.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Your way of showing happiness," Neil's other hand is placed on Andrew's other cheek, so that he's gently holding Andrew's face. They learned that they don't have to keep asking explicitly for each other's touch. "Is unique. I've seen the way your face and shoulders relax. I've seen how your feet taps whenever you're excited. And," Neil's thumb rubs against Andrew's cheek. "The way your eyes flicker.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Many people would think you're soulless, but I say they're wrong because they don't see these things like I do." Neil leans forward to kiss Andrew's forehead. When Neil pulls back, Andrew stares at him lovestruck, and his heart is already skipping beats.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"You see that?" Neil asked with a warm smile. His eyes directs to the mirror. "Your eyes are flickering."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Andrew's head turns toward the mirror. He sees that his eyes are soft and lightened. He can see his eyes shining with such contentment. Andrew finally understood now. He didn't have to smile to be truly happy. All this time, he has been happy from the start, ever since he and Neil realized their thing wasn't nothing. Neil may have never be his answer, but he is the key to one. Neil makes him feel, he makes him feel alive. Those are the things that make him happy the most.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Andrew turns toward Neil again with a question he doesn't have to ask. "Yes or no?" Neil smiles back.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Yes," Neil leans his forehead against his. "It's always a yes."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>That is when Andrew closes the distance, and kisses him.</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let's talk on my <a href="https://kaineshade.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a> or <a href="https://twitter.com/OnlyKaineShade?s=09">Twitter</a>.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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